In current months, freelance author Chanté Joseph observed a shocking development on her social media feeds: Ladies had stopped posting photos of their boyfriends.
For a very long time, boyfriend pics had been good social media fodder. Whether or not on trip or chilling at house, these photographs despatched a message of heterosexual bliss, of contented couplehood. A world, as Joseph wrote, “the place girls’s on-line identities centered across the lives of their companions, a scenario not often seen reversed.”
However then the boyfriends disappeared. You would possibly see a hand, or a shadow, or the again of a head. However the faces of those males had been cropped out or blurred out, “as in the event that they need to erase the actual fact they exist with out really not posting them.”
Ladies had been dwelling their lives, and their guys not served their private manufacturers.
Joseph puzzled this out in an article for Vogue referred to as “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The piece went viral, sparking a wave of TikTok discourse and prompting a follow-up story a few weeks later.
In the present day, Defined host Astead Herndon referred to as Joseph as much as speak about her piece, the response it obtained, and the state of heterosexual relationship now.
You wrote what I might assume is likely one of the most memorable items of the 12 months, a bit for Vogue that went viral in 2025, particularly a couple of query that you just put into the zeitgeist. Are you able to inform me concerning the piece?
The piece was primarily asking this query if having a boyfriend has misplaced the social standing it as soon as offered girls. And I used to be analyzing this by means of the lens of social media.
I used to be trying on the approach that ladies are very personal about posting their romantic companions on-line. Lots of people had been sticking emojis over their boyfriend’s heads. We’ve all seen this and I believe it began to ramp up, after which it turned slightly little bit of a parody the place folks would simply edit out their boyfriend’s heads utterly.
However then I observed that folks would submit their marriage ceremony movies or they’d submit their engagement movies and images. They had been edited in a approach that you just by no means knew what the husband appeared like. And I used to be like, “Okay, that is feeling a bit excessive.”
You’re noticing one thing that has actually grow to be clear on the timeline. I keep in mind boyfriend reveals or issues like that, nevertheless it’s gone to outright hiding. So what did your piece discover and what did you even imply by “embarrassing”?
So I discovered principally three issues.
The primary was, folks stated they didn’t need to do that merely for privateness causes. And I questioned, “Effectively, why is it solely this space of your life?” After which they’d go on to say, “Effectively, if I posted my boyfriend and he cheated on me subsequent week and I had to return and delete the photographs…I’d must take care of the disgrace of that.”
However then there have been girls who simply outright thought the concept of getting a boyfriend was inherently embarrassing as a result of it didn’t align with the model. Lots of people felt like “if I submit my boyfriend on Instagram or on social media, I’m indicating one thing about me to the world that I don’t need folks to know.”
Within the piece, one of many feedback that I quote is this concept of somebody saying, “Why does having a boyfriend really feel Republican?” I believe it’s the way in which that the heterosexual romantic relationship has virtually been co-opted slightly bit by the correct. It feels historically very conservative. I really feel like I’m aligning to this concept of the world that doesn’t actually really feel pure to me.
I used to be going to ask particularly about how we must always take into consideration this alongside rising traits like “tradwives” and others. Are these items which might be taking place on the similar time? Are these simply totally different communities?
I believe they’re taking place on the similar time. I take into consideration the response to my piece — whether or not it’s from the lads who had been simply actually offended that I may ever speak disparagingly about males or the ladies who had been very pleased with their relationships — feeling as if [it] was an assault on them.
I believe the way in which we speak about relationships on-line has modified a lot. I used to be speaking concerning the ReesaTeesa “Who the fuck did I marry?” [series] or the “Danish Deception,” these girls coming on-line making these 60-part TikTok movies, detailing all the horrible issues which have occurred to them.
West Elm Caleb. I keep in mind that one.
All of these items. So there isn’t any phantasm across the fantasy anymore. And so I believe that has gripped lots of people.
You probably did a call-out in your Instagram, and the responses from followers stated that there was “an awesome sense…that whatever the relationship, being with a person was virtually a responsible factor to do.” So are we speaking right here nearly, like, disgrace of heterosexuality partnerships? It looks as if straightness is on the core of this.
Oh yeah, 100%. And I believe that is what actually upset folks as properly. We don’t speak about heterosexuality on this approach. We very a lot see it as a norm. That is simply the way in which to be in society. And so we must always by no means actually query what’s occurring right here.
However really, I used to be like, no, it’s deeper than that. So one of many inspirations behind this piece was a guide by professor Jane Ward. Her guide is known as The Tragedy of Heterosexuality, and within the guide, she has a chapter that’s devoted to the issues that queer folks say behind their straight mates’ backs.
And it was completely fascinating to get into the notion of straightness, straight folks, and straight tradition. And I believe the concept of embarrassment positively got here from studying that and actually realizing the ways in which, yeah, straight tradition may be very embarrassing.
What do you assume we’ve discovered about straight relationships from this episode?
I believe what I’ve discovered is that individuals are nonetheless making an attempt to assert the privilege that being in a relationship, notably a straight relationship, provides them. And I believe for some folks, their anger to this piece was about them realizing that they may lose this privilege, and they won’t have many different privileges. And so dropping this seems like an enormous deal.
Do you are feeling such as you’ve come by means of this considering boyfriends are kind of embarrassing?
Are you aware what? I believe I’ve come away considering that they’re extra embarrassing. I can’t lie as a result of the lads are being embarrassing, and the ladies with boyfriends upset about this piece are much more embarrassing. So I’m like, rattling, I may need to double down.
